The Fulfilment of My Dreams

Author's note: This fic has a peculiar history. It was originally inspired by a couple of illustrations by Peko from the visual novel "Sono Hanabira ni Kuchizuke o 2: Watashi no Ōjiko-sama" a few years ago, but it took me rather long to find out about the existence and the name of that game, and even longer to sketch, write and finish the story. Please note that Akiko and Shizuna are original characters, although they look like Kaede and Sara Kitajima.

Many thanks to Miroku, Mandi and the NBB posse of AnimeB; to Nettogrof and pkChinensis of the Lililicious community; to Ryûchan of Blogger; and finally, to V. It took various amounts of input, information and support from all of you to get here.
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THE FULFILMENT OF MY DREAMS

A yuri fic by Katajanmarja, 2007--2011

It is not an actual bad dream I am having, merely an unpleasant one.

Very, very slowly the tides and waves of subconscious drive me to the shores of reality. It is a relief to notice that I am quite peacefully lying on the sheets in a quiet room, not at the university facing a number of everyday problems I would be increasingly unable to cope with.

However, my head is heavy, and opening my eyes feels difficult. Yes, I am still sleepy, plus I have a mild headache.

Soon I become aware of two more uncomfortable things: It is too hot, and I cannot move my right arm.

The good news is that the weight lying on my arm is my dear girlfriend Shizuna.

She is deep asleep, breathing so softly that I can barely notice it. She has clung tightly to me, resting her own right arm between my breasts, her fingers almost reaching to my left shoulder.

My god she feels good. Her skin against mine feels good, her silky hair feels good, the sensation of her chest gently swelling feels so good.

I enjoy all this for maybe three minutes, recalling all the nights filled with emptiness before I knew her.

Then I am forced to risk being unromantic and admit to myself: I would not like this moment to go on forever. Being close is not the problem, I just badly need to turn onto my side. Ugh, do I have to go to the toilet? At least I must get undressed! Stupid me, putting on my pajamas out of sheer habit, not realizing that her warmth would be enough. Besides, it is warmer in Shizuna's place than in mine.

She might not be as sharp as me when it comes to studying, but she sure knows how to do life. I find myself envying her practical and easy-going attitude daily. She knew it would make sense to sleep naked, while I... was I being coy, just moments after we had made love?

I do not have the heart to wake her. It is me who has been the idiot. I decide that I shall be able to fall asleep again, and I close my eyes.

Tired as my body is, my head is feeling clearer and clearer. I see visions of myself leaving the university in the afternoon, making my way to the station, sitting on the train, stiff and stressed out after a hard week, yet anxious to get to her. Hugging on the platform, shopping together, helping in the kitchen (she cooks way better than I do). Taking a little walk in the dark of the evening, feeling the pleasant tickles in my belly, expecting what will follow once we reach her home again...

It's a good life, isn't it?

I mean, I never knew of better. The stress and the strain have been there almost as long as I can remember, but nobody and nothing before her could balance them out. Yes there would be moments of joy, even happiness, but they used to be like tiny fragments of something... something much more beautiful, something I knew to exist but could barely imagine.

And still.

I see myself sitting on the train, slowly gaining distance to the duties that fill my life on weekdays. Freedom to love, freedom to dream, images of hugging and kissing, images of a brighter and more relaxed future. One beautiful day, praise to my love who has given me the strength to struggle through all this cramming, I will have a work where I feel confident. I will be able to enjoy my knowledge and use it to the benefit of other people, too. Me and her, we will be living under the same roof, helping out each other every day. And finally, in my arms I see a precious little child -

Then someone hits the glass of the frame with a hammer, and cracks spread over the picture, reaching the edges in every direction.

I wish, but I do not have the strength to believe. Yes, I live on day to day, but I can feel inklings of chaos lurking just behind the corner, beyond the walls, and above the ceiling, somewhere my eyes cannot reach. I am not controlling the flow of things, and my intuition says something is wrong. If I only knew what it is.

Of course, one big thing disheartening me is my family. Mom and dad, they are friendly and well-meaning people, but they do have their limits, which I incidentally have crossed.

Every time we visit them, they will smile at Shizuna and welcome her. They even like her as a person. But to them, she is "Akiko's friend", and that is not going to change. They do know, but that is unimportant. Their only child, the obedient daughter and good pupil, is to become happy in her life, which implies being normal. Thus not to love at all is more happiness than to love Shizuna with the burning passion I have for her under my restrained surface.

And my parents are not even that strict about what being normal means. They would accept me becoming an artist, for example, which I cannot say about many other parents I know. They would accept me becoming a menial worker if I showed true interest for that instead of my books. But the only form of grown-up love they recognize is the love between a man and a woman, the love that naturally bears fruit.

And indeed, whenever I think about having a baby, I get confused and oppressed. My own feelings are telling me that either of us could give birth and I would love the child with my heart and my soul. But how many times have I been told by others that it would not be real, that the child will be either Shizuna's or mine... and yadda yadda, I do not want to go through the logical traps of that discussion once again. All I know is other people have destroyed my self-confidence so that I cannot trust my own judgment any more. What will I say if it turns out that I was wrong and everybody points at me, saying, "We told you!"

I have nobody I could really talk about these things. Shizuna does not care, not yet. And perhaps she is right. She is telling me to concentrate on what is here and now, and it feels comforting to hear her say so, but unfortunately my nature does not work that way. I need to work out my doubts, otherwise they will come haunting me. And, just between me and you, I have plenty. It's just that Shizuna's love and care have obscured most, but I know they are somewhere out there waiting for me - and for their moment.

I feel an aching lump growing in my throat. I give a quiet groan in my discomfort, then attempt to pull my arm from under Shizuna as smoothly as I possibly can. No use, she has indeed rested her full weight on me.

Do I really have to?

Do I really?

"Shizuna," I whisper.

No answer.

"Shizuna? Shizuna? Love?" I say, gradually raising my voice.

"Mmmhmhm? Whutisit?"

"I... Please forgive me, but I would rather sleep on my side."

"Akiko? You silly, how long have you waited? You should have woken me up right away!"

I am blushing. She knows me like the back of her hand, even though we have been together no more than a few months. If only I could say the same about knowing and understanding her.

Without a warning, Shizuna reaches out to me with her face, our lips meet, and her tongue slides into my mouth. I let out a smothered "eep", then answer her kiss. I would never dare take the initiative right after waking up, worrying about if the taste in my mouth is not too fresh. But whenever she attacks me like this, I am as responsive as anyone could possibly be.

These are the moments when I just know Shizuna is the living fulfilment of my dreams. Curiously enough, for she is younger than I am. I always imagined the woman of my life would be, like, two years older than myself. Apparently I confused natural courage with maturity brought with age.

"I love you, Akiko," she whispers as she sits up.

I hastily unbutton my pajamas and throw them on the floor, feeling embarrassed. I do not feel like making love at this moment, not at all, but should she even try to seduce me I would not be able to resist.

But no. The sight of my bare breasts in the darkness of the room does not startle her to the slightest. She just smiles at me and asks, "This is what you want, isn't it?"

Shizuna lies down on the sheets, turning her back to me and bending her legs. This is how I am able to cling to her tighter than any other way while lying comfortably.

"Shizuna", I whisper to her, small tears in my eyes, "I love you. I love you so."

She falls asleep very soon, a lot sooner than I do. But the dreams I have for the rest of the night, as far as I can tell, are all pleasant and calm.